Divorce Coaching: an Underutilized Resource for Fathers
The modern day man has evolved way beyond the cliches and stereotypes that paint male behavior as emotionally disengaged and hot tempered. There has certainly been a shift, in my lifetime at least, toward men being more emotionally in tune, more motivated to seek help, and more vulnerable with feelings. Yet, there are still very real differences in how men respond to, and manage conflict. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, marriage and relationship therapists, studied hundreds of couples in their “Love Lab” and, using biofeedback methods, were able to demonstrate important differences in how men respond to conflict in relationships. When compared to women, men' s heart rate goes up faster, they go into fight-or-flight more frequently, and they take longer to calm down.
Of course this is all relevant to divorce coaching, because divorce is not just a legal process, but rather a myriad of decisions having to be made under duress, stress, and conflict. This is often a recipe for disaster for our dads out there that come in hot - not great optics for a time when one is very much under a microscope. If you are a dad, here are my thoughts about why you may benefit tremendously from a divorce coach:
Men are less likely to admit to needing support
Society has socialized most men to be the leaders and unwavering rock of the family. Again, I am generalizing, but most men do not seek out support or therapy as readily as their female partners. You may prefer to white knuckle it through a divorce, relying rather on golf or work buddies, and your lawyer. You may feel embarrassed asking for support from friends and family, choosing rather to save face by, “toughing it out.” Or you may not want to burden family or friends, preferring to suffer in silence than admit that you do not have it all together. While a divorce coach is not a therapist, coaches offer valuable support during a transition that can change the trajectory of your divorce and coparenting journey.
Men have less practice in emotional regulation
Anger is a secondary emotion, usually a placeholder for a myriad of different feelings: grief, sadness, shame, fear, jealousy etc. etc. It also happens to be the emotion that society most expects, accepts, and tolerates from men. If this is you, you really want to keep your lid on during a divorce. Unchecked anger and fear cloud judgement, often resulting in costly divorces and lost parenting time. A trained divorce coach can help you understand your conflict patterns - what triggers you, how you respond, and how best to deescalate. They can also offer a valuable female perspective - what is going to freak your soon-to-be ex out? How can you avoid common pitfalls? Gaining these skills now will serve you well as you transition from a romantic relationship to a business relationship with your soon-to-be ex.
The impact of a good paternal role model is underestimated
Research shows time and again that solid, stable father figures contribute to better long term outcomes for children of divorce. When fathers fade from their children’s lives after a divorce, children suffer more and experience greater mental health problems later in life. When fathers stick around, providing both emotionally and financially, children do much better. Many men worry that divorce means being relegated to seeing your children every other weekend. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it takes strategy - not combat - to achieve a different outcome. You have to be prepared to show up, do the hard part of parenting, remain regulated and focused on your children.
Great communication goes a long way
Once again, your children are watching. Any father that manages to keep his kids out of the middle and not bad mouth his ex, is doing something right. Unfortunately, this is where a lot of individuals, men in particular, drop the ball. A vengeful, inflammatory text sent at 10 pm, makes for a wonderful exhibit as your soon-to-be ex makes her case. A coach can teach you how to communicate in a business like fashion, while remaining child-focused, even when provoked. Coaches love to role-play difficult conversations which can help you present with more credibility and clarity, as you prepare for mediation, legal proceedings or in day-to-day communications with your ex.
Older fathers are particularly at risk
A word about gray divorce. As men age they often become more socially isolated in comparison to women who have more varied social networks. Grown children tend to take sides, which may leave men feeling like their life’s work was for naught or taken for granted. Men in their 50s and 60s expect to be coasting, reaping the reward of years trying to make ends meet. While a coach cannot replace a therapist or friend group, a coach can help an individual create the scaffolding on which to build a rewarding social life.
I have been pleasantly surprised by how many men have approached me for divorce coaching. These dads have a growth mindset, are capable of insight, and are willing to make the necessary changes to help their family through one of life’s most difficult transitions. I have noticed that none of them are interested in finger pointing or blaming their ex. Instead, they are focused on problem solving and creative solutions. And after engaging with me, that is exactly what they get.
If you are a father navigating divorce in Chicago, the North Shore, or anywhere virtually and you want to talk through where you are in the process, I offer a free initial consultation. You do not have to have it handled. You just have to make the call. Request a consultation here.
