How To Protect Your Children in Divorce

The most common concern I hear from divorcing clients is, “Will the kids be, ok?” We have all heard the dismal statistics, the fact that divorce has been identified as an adverse childhood event (ACE) and the emotional toll it takes on children. We also know that it’s not divorce itself, but how we divorce, that really dictates a child’s adjustment. Intense and prolonged conflict between parents – which, mind you, happens in two parent homes as well – is the real risk factor for adverse child outcomes. The good news is, with effective coparenting, your child has an excellent chance of being happy and well-adjusted. Now you may be thinking, “well that is all well and good, but how can I coparent effectively with an uncooperative ex?” More reassuring news, there is still a lot you can do to ensure stability for your children and mitigate conflict, even if it is only you committed to peaceful coparenting. Here are some ideas.

Commit to your own mental health

Taking care of you equals taking care of your children. I am a bit tired of the maxim, “Put your oxygen mask on first, before your child’s” but it’s drilled in so frequently for good reason. Under the best of circumstances, raising children requires sacrifice and hard work, neither of which are operating at full force when you are depleted. It is crucial that you keep up to date with your regular physical and mental health appointments. Work with a counselor or coach to help you process the rollercoaster of emotions, so that your children don’t inadvertently bear the brunt of any unmanaged emotions. By modeling self-care, you also teach your children the importance of prioritizing their own emotional and physical health.

Communication

As you redefine your relationship with your soon-to-be ex or ex-spouse, communication should begin to resemble that of business colleagues.  This entails doing your part to keep written and verbal exchanges clean and free of any emotion that may inflame a situation.  As partners that shared a life together, it’s likely that you know each other’s triggers and buttons. Don’t go there. Simply communicate on an as needed basis and, when provoked, ignore anything that is unnecessary or designed to rile you up. Stooping to their level only gives a high conflict person exactly what they are looking for. You will feel so much more empowered and in control by simply rising above the nonsense. It will be hard at first but come more naturally over time.

Make child-centered decisions

I think almost all of us think we are making decisions with our child’s best interest at heart but do we really? This becomes especially complicated when what you think is best for your child is different than what your ex thinks is best for the same child.  This is where a lot of cases become contentious, as parents disagree on the most effective time-sharing schedule and who gets to make decisions. Sometimes it just comes down to checking your ego and need for control of the situation. For example, you may insist on a 50/50 schedule but travel a lot for work, whereas your ex is home more and able to take care of the children. Assuming your ex is a fit parent, is this the hill you really want to die on and are there other ways you can still have a close, connected relationship with your kids?

Set and enforce a routine and appropriate boundaries

The first two years following a divorce are usually the most turbulent for you and your children. With so many changes taking place, and so much uncertainty, it’s important to control the controllable. A good routine helps children feel safe by introducing some structure to their lives so that they know what to expect. Imagine if you had to adjust to moving between houses every few days, would it not be nice to at least anticipate the family dinner you sit down to at your mom’s house, or the bedtime routine at your dad’s house? Sprinkling new little rituals and traditions can also help create an environment of warmth and love.  The same applies to mental and physical boundaries. If seeing what your ex is up to upsets or triggers you, find a neutral place for handovers and do not go trolling their social media sites.

Do not bad mouth your ex and know how to respond if they badmouth you

We are all human and at some point, you are going to say something negative about your ex or your child may pick up on your contempt toward your ex. This is certainly forgivable if an occasional slip-up, but when this becomes a pattern, it is detrimental to your child and impacts your relationship with them. Children see themselves as part of both parents, therefore what you say about your ex, you indirectly say about your child. If this is a one-off, then apologize to your child, and if not, please get some help from a mental health professional so that you have an objective third party to help manage your emotions. Conversely, when your child comes home from their other parent parroting lies they heard about you, try not to jump to the defense or fight fire with fire. Simply say, “that must have been hard to hear.  How did that make you feel?” Rather than addressing the content, you are validating your child’s emotions and encouraging them to think for themselves.

Take advantage of this opportunity to create a close bond with your child

You and your child are navigating a major life transition together. Yes, it may not be what you asked for, but there are ways to engineer the situation so that it strengthens, rather than weakens bonds. For example, communicating that you will always be there for them and following through with your promises is huge. Making sure that your children can come to you with anything, even if it is something you may not want to hear, demonstrates unconditional love. Finally, modeling your own strength and resilience in the face of adversity sets you up for a lifetime of role-model status.

None of this is easy, in fact it can feel like you are swimming upstream if your soon-to-be-ex or ex is high-conflict or narcissistic. But the numbers do not lie, and studies show that it only takes one stable, emotionally available parent for a child to thrive and be well-adjusted. In practice, that means that even if you are the only one putting in the effort, you can really change the outcome for your child. If you ask me, fair or not fair, nothing seems more worthwhile than that.  If you are interested in more insight and information on developmentally appropriate strategies to use with your children, you can request a copy of my free guide here.